Stop Fitting In, Start Standing Out

John: 00:00:00

Most of us spend our lives trying to be in at work,

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in friendships, even on stage.

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But the harder we try, the more

invisible we can end up feeling.

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And I know that struggle firsthand from

comedy clubs through to corporate teams.

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I've often felt like the odd one

out, and I've seen the same pattern

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in clients I've worked with as well.

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The ones who don't really blend in,

and they're the ones who often have

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the most potential to stand out.

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In this episode, I'm gonna

show you how not fitting in can

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become your unfair advantage.

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You'll learn why standing apart creates

influence, how to reframe rejection

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into credibility, and while the

very thing that you might have been

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hiding could be your strongest tool

and asset on stage and in business.

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We're going to unpack real stories.

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Look at the psychology behind

belonging, and we'll finish off with

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practical steps to turn your outsider

energy into a magnetic presence.

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Welcome to Present Influence: The

Professional Speaking Show for

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speakers, coaches and experts who want

to deliver their message with more

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impact, influence, and inspiration.

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My name's John Ball and I'm your

guide on this journey to mastery

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level communication skills.

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I'm willing to bet you've had at least

one, probably more experiences in your

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life of feeling like you didn't belong

somewhere or hadn't really fitted in.

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And for me, many of those, many,

especially in tar, I can think

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probably all the way back, some of

my earliest memories were of times

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when I didn't really fit the mold

and fit in with the other kids.

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I've always felt a little bit different.

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And those sorts of feelings can

become particularly intense during

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our teenage years is undoubtedly

when the hormones are raging.

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And what we want more than

anything is for people to like

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us and for us to be popular.

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And if that's not really happening,

it can be very painful time and

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often is for many teenagers.

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But it can show up many times

in our adult life as well.

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Now, one example for me was

through the latter part of my teen

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years where I had this feeling

of not belonging very intensely.

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I belonged to a church, I belonged

to a church youth group, and I had

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the experience of what some people

might call being excommunicated

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or in the church that I was in,

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It was having my membership revoked,

and maybe not for the reasons that

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you might expect, and things like

my sexual preference had nothing to

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do with that decision whatsoever.

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It was actually called by me questioning

the literal truth of the Bible in a Bible

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study group when I was about, I think I

must have been about 15, 16 years old.

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one of the church elders was a lead in

the study, and he absolutely believed

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in the literal truth of the Bible.

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None of it was myth.

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It is all literally true that the

Garden of Eden, Noah's flood, all of it.

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And so because I didn't, and because I

questioned that, he pressured the church

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leadership to have me removed from the

church membership, I was no longer an

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official member, and so I was no longer

allowed to go to the church youth group.

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I was no longer allowed to really be

a part of the church as such, although

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they said I could still attend church

services mostly because they still wanted

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me to go and play the organ because they

didn't have enough church organists.

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Uh, so I think some slightly

selfish motives there.

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I'd always been told not to question

stuff and that questioning was bad.

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And if you're asking questions, you're

doubting your faith and that, but inside,

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I always held this belief that if you

couldn't question what you believed in,

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you didn't really, truly believe it.

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And if your beliefs couldn't withstand

some questioning and scrutiny, were they

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strong enough beliefs to really hold onto?

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And that thought never really escaped me.

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And I would say that whole time and

that particular incident set me on

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the path of moving away from religion

and, uh, more into philosophy.

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being a little different, asking

some questions, not just going along

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with what I was being told to go

along with, made me an outsider in an

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organization where I had been an insider.

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It pushed me out of the church youth

group where all my friends were.

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It didn't cause any

divisions in my family.

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I'm happy to say that, but it did

cause some internal conflict as to,

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you know, was this the right path?

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Am I moving away from my beliefs?

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How important are they to me there?

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There was a lot going on.

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All of that on top of, you know,

teenage hormones and all the

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other nonsense that goes on for

us when we're in our teen years.

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We have a lot to deal with as we are

figuring out how to grow up and who we

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want to be and all those kinds of things.

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It was a painful experience.

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as I look back now, hindsight being what

it is, and it probably even not that

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long after I was able to look back and

see this, that that exclusion did set

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me on a path that I wanted to be on.

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That I started moving more towards,

thinking came more for myself.

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I had a very strong desire to learn how

to think for myself after many years

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of being told what to think, and I have

no regrets about that whatsoever, but.

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I do feel that if I hadn't been that

little bit different, if I hadn't

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been apart from the crowd, I might

not have, I might have just carried

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on, believing, carried on, tending,

carried on, being told what to believe,

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what to think, and not questioning it.

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And so I can't really

see it as a bad thing.

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And eventually I did move away

from being even a church organist.

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Of just not wanting to go in there.

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So there was a big realization

that happened for me in that

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time of recognizing that I

wanted to be my own person.

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It was more important to me to

be who I am than to be who other

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people wanted or needed me to

be, to fit into that environment.

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And I think many of us face those

decisions on a regular basis.

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Do we show up in each situation as who

we really are or do we show up as who

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we think is acceptable or others want

us to be who we are supposed to be?

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I talked about professionalism in an

episode a while back and how that can,

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for some people, end up being a prison

for them, a costume that they put on a

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way of showing up that limits them in

many ways because they feel that they

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have to fit into this like archetype, this

idea or concept of what a professional

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person is supposed to be like.

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And that means they end up squashing

aspects of themselves or hiding

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thoughts away, biting their lips,

keeping their mouth shut when they

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really want to say something for the

sake of fitting in or not rocking the

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boat, and all those sorts of things.

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And certainly in my life, having been

having, being someone who has been in

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circumstances where my sexuality has

been an issue, being in circumstances

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where my lack of religious belief

has been an issue and caused some

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difference in conflict and othering.

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It can feel very awkward and, and

we do have to make those decisions.

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Do we feel safe?

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Do we feel safe to be honest

about what we really want to say?

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Do we have what we call the psychological

safety to be able to say that?

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Or do we have at least a big enough

value about staying true to our

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core self, that we're not prepared

to lie or not prepared to fake?

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We are going to say what really, what

we really want to say, what we really

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need to say, even if there might be

some negative consequences attached

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to that, we have to make these calls.

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All the time.

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And I would say probably one of

the times that I was most recently

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confronted with this was a storytelling

competition and me being, you know,

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the natural people pleaser in me, which

I'm always trying to work to suppress,

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wanted the story that would please

everybody be relatable for everybody.

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And I just had to accept that

that wasn't going to happen.

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Even if I tried to do that, that probably

still wouldn't be the end result.

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I was far better to go for an

authentic story that was true to me.

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Might not even feel relatable for

everybody, but for those who would,

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it would be really relatable and,

and could, could really, hopefully,

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really feel the same kinds of feelings.

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So I wanted to tell a story about

my coming out and about having

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faced people being against me

for who I am for my sexuality.

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Someone even who was against me for

my marriage and was trying to stop

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my parents attending my wedding.

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That whole story is online.

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If you want to see it.

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I'll put a link to it in the show

notes so you can check it out.

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But the whole process of creating

that story was, was confronting

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because if I put this out, this

is me putting out who I really am.

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And this is now even, even for, for

future professional opportunities,

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there are people who may well see that,

who won't want to work with somebody

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like me just because of my sexuality.

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There will be people who don't approve,

but there will also be people who either

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don't care, or who do, maybe approve

maybe, love and accept or, or maybe

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just are welcoming enough and diverse

enough in their thought and opinions

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to not be exclusive of people and not

to exile or push people out, but to

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say, no, we welcome the diversity.

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You know, we may not always understand it

and we may not always be able to relate

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to it personally, but we still welcome

it and we welcome you and we accept you.

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That's a very powerful thing

when we find it so very often.

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Being excluded from the environments

in which we are restricted and we can't

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fully be ourselves is a real gift.

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Because it pushes us, hopefully, at

least it pushes us to go and find the

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places where we are, where we will be

welcomed or will even be celebrated.

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And if you are not in those environments

where you are being welcomed and

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celebrated, where you have the

psychological safety to say what's really

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in your heart and to be who you truly

are, then you need to go and find those.

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Now undoubtedly there are people who

have trauma and mental health issues,

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and maybe even other psychological

challenges that might need a bit

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more than that, and that's okay.

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There's stuff to deal with separately, but

I'm talking a little more generally here.

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The times in life where we just feel

there's an aspect of us that doesn't

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really fit in, we think a bit differently.

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I would expect that neurodiverse

people particularly feel this.

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'cause often they'll think about things

a little differently and not relate

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to things in exactly the same way.

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And whilst that can be undoubtedly

challenging, there's always gifts

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that can come from these things.

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Gifts that can come from seeing

things in a different way.

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So not fitting in end ends up

ultimately being an advantage.

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Your crowd, the people who like you and

love you or can at least relate to your

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situation and to your experience are going

to do that and they're gonna support it.

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And those who don't won't, and

they're not your people and you, we

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ultimately just have to accept that

and we should have some discernment and

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discrimination about when and where,

where we use our superpower, if you like,

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our unfair advantage, I would say

for speakers, particularly if if you

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are trying to be an image, rather

than be a real person, you're always

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gonna be playing make believe.

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And as somebody who lived enough years

of my life in the closet, trying to

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pretend to be someone who I wasn't.

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So because I was so afraid of

people seeing who I really was,

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I can tell you that that is a

very uncomfortable place to be.

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Whatever your closet is, whatever

the mask is that you have over your

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face is gonna be uncomfortable.

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There's gonna be pain for that

and, and you are gonna pay.

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You are gonna pay probably with

pain, probably with sadness,

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probably with feeling unfulfilled

or unable to fully realize yourself

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for who you are to live your truth.

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These things are so important.

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We're often so afraid of being excluded

or exiled because we're different.

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I think the fear of exile is very deep

rooted within us because in humanity's

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past exile meant almost certain death

being cast out of a community or society.

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You would no longer have access

to your resources to, to food,

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to people, family status.

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Everything you had would be gone and

you'd be out in the wilds with the

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wild animals and the bandits and all

the uncertainty that goes with that.

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Some people might just make it through,

but many people probably wouldn't.

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And so the fear of being

exiled is a very real one.

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And even today, it does happen in certain

situations where people can still be

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exiled from, from their families, from

their communities, from the people they've

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been a part of, because they're different

because they choose to live their truth

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rather than to try and fit in or hide who

they truly are for the sake of the group.

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And in those circumstances, it can

lead to severe sadness, depression,

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and worse, let's be honest, it

can lead to far worse things.

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So I guess I am encouraging you with

this video to be true to yourself, to

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live your truth and speak and live from

your heart and to not hide the things

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that make you different to other people.

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Certainly, okay.

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Sometimes there are things in people's

lives that make them too different to

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ever be acceptable, and you probably

know what those things are, and if

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that's something you're dealing with.

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This is not what I'm talking about here.

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I'm talking about.

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Quirky personalities, maybe some

eccentrics, maybe being a very

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musical or arty person and a

family of scientists makes you very

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different and hard to relate to.

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There are so many times maybe, maybe

not being of the same religion as other

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people or, or maybe even being a religious

person in a non-religious environment.

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There are ways that you could end up

feeling othered or judged negatively

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because of things that you hold true,

but staying true to who you are,

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Is going to be much better for you

because the friends you have, the people

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who love and care for you will genuinely

love and care for you for who you are

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and the people that don't, even though

that can be painful to be turned away by

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people who you want to love and care for

you, they ultimately, we can find our

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family, we can find our tribe, we can

find the people who we will fit with.

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We can find our audience, we

can connect with them as well.

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So.

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This is about vulnerability as

much as anything else as well.

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This is about the ability

to be vulnerable on stage.

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We don't have to show

all aspects of our lives.

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We don't have to hang out all of

our dirty, dirty laundry or tell

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people all our worst thoughts,

fears, insights, actions, whatever.

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But we do have to be true to our own

inner self, to our own values, if

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we're gonna be relatable in any way,

otherwise we end up just being an act.

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It's just a show.

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And if you just wanna be a, a show

person, and I, I say I've seen this in

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the personal development world, people

who are just showmen or show women,

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that don't have the depth.

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It's all superficial.

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They don't really have anything deeper

to go into, and they're different

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people when you take them off the stage

to who they are when they're on it.

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It's all a show.

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It's all fakery, smoke and mirrors.

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And if that's how you wanna live

your life and you can deal with that.

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Then fine.

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Maybe you can take solace in that

you're making money and you know,

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people are being impressed by what you

do, but at some point it will start

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to break down at some point the toll

of trying to be someone you are not

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is going to become too much for you,

is going to get in, in the way of a

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relationship, is gonna get in the way

of relatability on more personal levels.

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It will interfere.

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Years ago I read that book

As A Man Thinketh and here's

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what I took away from that.

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I dunno how, how well it really holds up.

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But you know, there are some things

I still think of from that, and

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one of them is this, you know, you

know in your heart who you are.

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So if you do things that aren't true to

you, you know that even if no one else

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does, even if no one else has cottoned

on to the reality of what's going on

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inside you, inside your brain, you know.

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If you were sneaking funds out of a

company bank account and embezzling,

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and no one ever found out about

it, you would still know, and you

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still know that that's who you are.

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And on some level, you're

gonna have to live with that.

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Or maybe, or maybe you are unbothered

about it, in which case, you know, if

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you, you have no conscience whatsoever,

this video isn't for you anyway.

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This really is for people who, who do

have conscience, who do know that not

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being true to themselves can be a problem.

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If you hurt somebody and you never

make it right, that's gonna stay

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with you as well, even if other

people never find out about it.

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If you, if you pretend to be a success

and people think you are, but you're

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not really, you're just faking it,

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buying followers, buying engagement

online, you might end up having a

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top rated YouTube channel or podcast,

but you've bought all your followers.

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Other people may not know that.

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Some might, and some might even

talk about it, but most people

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are never gonna know about that.

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But you will.

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You'll know it's a fake,

you'll know it's not true.

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The success isn't real, and you are

the one who has to live with that.

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So this is the question to you, are

you willing to live with those things

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where you're gonna be true to yourself?

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And I hope.

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It's the latter that

you choose to be true.

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Even though it can be painful

sometimes, even though it can

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cause some friction, some conflict,

even in particular situations.

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It's important to be who you are to go

through the challenges and the conflicts.

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You know, it took me, it took me years

and years to navigate and get through

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to a, having a good relationship.

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A close relationship with my parents

again, after coming out, it was

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very hard because of their religious

belief for them to deal with.

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But we got there, but it wasn't easy, and

if I'd never chosen to be open about who I

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was, they would've just thought I was this

guy who just seems to have a lot of male

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flatmates or some, something like that.

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: 00:16:19

They might have tried, and still

tried to convince themselves that

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I was gonna meet the right girls

someday and settle down and give them

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grandchildren and all the stuff that

they thought they wanted from me.

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At some point, they were able to

accept that that wasn't gonna happen,

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and we ended up in a situation where

I had to put things on the line and

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say to them, either you accept me

as I am and treat me the right way.

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Respect me for for that as well, or.

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We're gonna have a very limited

relationship, very limited contact in the

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future because that's how it has to be.

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I have to be who I am, and if you

can't accept that I can't deal with

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me being in a relationship with

somebody, then we are gonna have a

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: 00:16:58

lot of challenges in the future, and

it's gonna damage our relationship.

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: 00:17:01

They made the choice.

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I didn't know which they would choose.

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: 00:17:03

They made the choice to choose me.

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: 00:17:04

When somebody tried to stop

them coming to my wedding, they

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: 00:17:07

made the choice to choose me.

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: 00:17:08

That whole story is in, is gonna be

in the link for you as well to check

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that out, and, uh, I hope you will.

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: 00:17:13

It won me an award.

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: 00:17:14

It's about they're behind me on the

shelf, but realistically, you know,

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fitting, fitting in feels safe.

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: 00:17:18

It does it's, it's feels safe

and that's why we often don't

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: 00:17:21

want to come away from that.

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: 00:17:22

But it really silences the best

of you, your best ideas, your

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: 00:17:26

creativity, the essence of you.

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: 00:17:28

I would really call that.

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: 00:17:29

It, uh, shuts down the essence of who you

are because you're trying to be somebody

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: 00:17:33

else and you are not gonna be that person.

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: 00:17:35

Now, you can definitely work to be better

version of yourself, but it still needs to

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: 00:17:40

be true and feel true to you so a better

version of yourself isn't pretending that

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: 00:17:44

you are not something that you are, or

not someone who you know you really are.

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: 00:17:48

And so, so it's vitally important that

your differences, whatever they may be,

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: 00:17:53

maybe you like tattoos and you're

cutting tattoos and there are

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people in your life who hate that.

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: 00:17:57

Maybe you smoke and you have loads of

non-smoking friends and they hate, well,

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: 00:18:01

you could probably do something about

that, or maybe you should, but maybe there

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: 00:18:04

are people who don't accept you for it.

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: 00:18:05

Maybe that you are outside of a group

for for that, or maybe you've stopped

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: 00:18:08

smoking and the people who you used

to hang around with don't want you

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: 00:18:11

hanging around with them anymore.

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: 00:18:12

Because you're not in the ingroup.

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: 00:18:15

It could be something as seemingly

small as that, that makes you feel

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: 00:18:19

excluded and pushed out, but you are

being true to yourself and true to

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: 00:18:23

who you are or who you want to be.

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: 00:18:25

These things are particularly important

when it comes to being on stage.

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: 00:18:28

When it comes to things like storytelling,

comedy, leadership, speaking, the

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: 00:18:33

these things are really essential in

the stories that we're gonna end up

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: 00:18:35

telling, because if there's stories

about someone who doesn't really exist,

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: 00:18:40

that's gonna be very hard to relate into.

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: 00:18:43

If the story's about a version of you

that isn't real, that is faked, then

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: 00:18:48

who's gonna really relate to that?

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: 00:18:50

People might think they do, some

people might buy in for it for a while.

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: 00:18:53

But what happens then if

the cracks start to show?

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: 00:18:56

I should say, if I should say, when,

when the cracks start to show in the

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: 00:18:59

story and you find it hard to keep that

up or, or something gets out about who

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: 00:19:03

you really are and it's different, very

different to who people think you are.

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: 00:19:08

When we put anybody on a pedestal,

when we put anyone into this idealized

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: 00:19:13

idea of who we think they are.

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: 00:19:16

We are not in a real relationship

with them, and that's just as true

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: 00:19:19

for us as it is of anyone else.

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: 00:19:21

If we have idealized someone, if we

think someone is the best, a guru,

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: 00:19:25

the infallible, they're only ever

going to disappoint us because nobody

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: 00:19:30

is, and nobody can live up to that.

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: 00:19:32

And.

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: 00:19:33

Ourselves included.

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: 00:19:34

We're trying.

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: 00:19:34

If we're trying to live up to

impossible standards, we are

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: 00:19:37

always gonna disappoint ourselves.

365

: 00:19:39

The goal should be to accept

yourself and others for how they are.

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: 00:19:44

You don't always have to like them.

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: 00:19:46

You don't always have to love and hang

around with them, but accept them.

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: 00:19:51

Accept people for who they are and not

need them to conform with who you think

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: 00:19:56

they should be or who you want them to be.

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: 00:19:59

There are societies in the world where

conformity is treated as a very desirable

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: 00:20:04

quality, is sought out, is looked for

as even advertised on dating profiles.

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: 00:20:09

I'm a conformist.

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: 00:20:11

Is that, is that who you wanna be?

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: 00:20:12

You wanna live in a conformist

society where everyone's the

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: 00:20:14

same, where there's no real color.

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: 00:20:16

It's all just different shades of gray.

377

: 00:20:18

Yeah.

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: 00:20:18

Diversity really is a superpower.

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: 00:20:20

Being different, not

fitting in is valuable.

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: 00:20:23

It helps you to stand out, to be

different, to be noticed, and to see

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: 00:20:27

things differently to other people.

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: 00:20:30

And so.

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: 00:20:32

Your uniqueness isn't a liability can be

your leverage if you choose for it to be.

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: 00:20:37

And the sooner you stop sanding down

the edges, smoothing things over for

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: 00:20:41

public consumption, the sooner people

will be able to lean in and relate.

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: 00:20:47

So here's your challenge this week.

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: 00:20:49

Notice one place where perhaps you've

been holding back to fit in and flip it.

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: 00:20:54

Flip it.

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: 00:20:55

Share the different perspective where

the thing that feels too bold, tell the

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: 00:21:00

story that you thought was too much,

and then tell me how it went in the

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: 00:21:04

comments or connect with me on LinkedIn.

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: 00:21:07

And don't forget to subscribe

because every week we're unlocking

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: 00:21:10

more tools to turn your quirks,

flaws, and charisma into influence.

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: 00:21:15

See you next time.